made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
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