Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Randomize