The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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