btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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