if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
