Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
You dont lie about slip and slides
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Randomize
