Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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