What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
