I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
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