New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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