I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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