Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
