I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
