god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
