Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
