i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
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