im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
