I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
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