I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
