A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize