The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize