the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Semen is not good for contacts.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize