he thought i was a dude.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
