I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
