help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
