Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
