can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
