My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
He told me they were just razor bumps!
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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