I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
