i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
