I looked at my own cervix.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
