I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
