Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize