you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
