I need to stop coming to work sober
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
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