ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
