Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
