I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
