beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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