Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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