There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
