im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Best friends brother. Beat that.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
