I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Randomize
