i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
honey bunches of taint.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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