i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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