you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
two words...techno handjob
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize