I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
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