my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Randomize
