I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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