: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
