why im i the only drunk person in the library?
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
