I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
