Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
