my mouth tastes like poor choices
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
