I hate your face
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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