The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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