Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Randomize
