he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
