is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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