I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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