i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
