Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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