Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
