Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize