there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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