Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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