Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
