nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
