a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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