When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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