i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I need to calm my uterus...
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
