i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Randomize
