At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I enjoy the company of your penis
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
