That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
