am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
