i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
