you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
